today's disenchanting lineup of miscreants

First there was the beefy older gal in the floral print mu-mu, whos waxy skin glistened with a reeking sheen of perfume and took what seemed like 45 minutes to write a check.

Also on the offensive smell tip we have the gravel mouthed urban camper in the greasy leather hat with the peacock feather in the band, who bought an Ancient Forests calendar and dug payment out of a collection of plastic film canisters hung around his neck in a crocheted bag.

Then there was the wiry militant bike enthusiast who pestered me about area bike shops for at least 5 minutes. He seemed to take my ignorance of the subject as a personal affront and dedicated his considerable manic energy to ferreting out my HIDDEN ESOTERIC KNOWLEDGE of the local bicycling underground until I broke out the heavy artillery- "Do you have a book question? If not, I can't help you."

Today has also been replete with people who turn my casual query "would you like a bag?" into a referendum on global climate change, before finally accepting my toxic plastic offering because they forgot their wildcrafted hemp shopping tote, woven by a native women's collective in Hati, in the trunk of the car.

I wonder if they think accepting plastic bags only under extreme vocal protest improves their ecological karma...

Perhaps I can short circuit these righteous screeds by eliminating the modifiers and just grunting "Bag?"